On Girlhood

Being a girl is a violent undertaking; it is both gore and tenderness. There is nowhere to place anger but toward the self, holding hatred, blood, and obsession until it burns you down. I cannot discount the joy that is girlhood; there is something indescribable about being a girl. I can see it in the girls I teach; it brings me more joy than they realize to see them happy. I know that I have been tainted, but all I hope is that they have more time than I had. There is a dysmorphia inherent in girlhood. Seeing the judgments and expectations of those around you is a peculiar thing. I do not wish to know how I'm expected to act in all situations. I do not wish to see faces change when I speak, as if I can only use certain terminology.

When do I switch over from girlhood to womanhood?

Will I always feel like a girl?

Will I always feel like there are no words for how I feel?

I hold anger inside of me, and I bite my tongue until it hurts to hold back my words. But there are times when I cannot take it; I can feel someone looking at me and hearing the comments made under their breath based on sexist thoughts. I will bite someone's head off if they look at me the wrong way, but I will also be the most polite person in the world.

Is this what being a girl is?